Victims of Naruto Fanfiction
by Tom W's luva
Summary: Beware, this story includes yaoi, fast voice Alex's stories are not responsible for any psychological or mental damage from reading these...erm...interesting tales, yeah, thats it, interesting tales heh heh heh
1. Kidnappings, Socks, and Vault

**Authors note: I own Alex (she IS a girl). Rose, Box of Chocolates, and Coconut are REAL people, so I don't own them. Most of these characters are apart of an Japanese anime show, Naruto, which I DO NOT own. I do not own these characters, and I never will own these characters, so, the faster you get that through your heads, the faster you'll get the story. Enjoy! **

Beginning of Show

* * *

Backround: -Audience claps-

Alex: As you all know, I've asked you to come here for a special reason, that reason being...

Rose: YOU BITCH! You didn't ask us here!!! you kidnapped us all and then tied us up and blindfolded us!!!

Box of Chocolates: She's got a point. Not to mention you signed us up for this reality show, and there are cameras surrounding us.

Alex: -grabs chainsaw- Shut the fuck up Chocolate boy.

Box of Chocolates: -Gulps-

Rose: -sighs- Alright, you either let us go, well, at least me go, and I won't bust out a can of whoop-ass on you

Alex: Tell you what, you never say that slang again, and I won't take this chainsaw and shove it right up your a-

Coconut: Hey! Isn't this supposed to be a T-rated fic?

Alex: -busts out chainsaw and slices through fiberglass- ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

Coconut: N-n-no!

Alex: -smiles- Good, now, we are missing the most important thing ever...

Itachi: -walks in- Socks?

Alex and Rose: -fall to the ground laughing-

Itachi: What's so funny?

Alex and Rose: SOCKS!!!

Everyone else: uhhhh...

Coconut: Hey Itachi? Mind getting us outta here?

Itachi: -Spots Sasuke- Hey there big boy

Sasuke: -Shudders- Itachi, get the fuck away from me.

Itachi: Did someone say fuck?

Sasuke: Shit, get me the hell out of here someone!!! -rocks back and forth in his chair all tied up-

Alex and Rose: SOCKS!!!!

Box of Chocolates: -sighs and whistles to something sounding like Pirates of the Carribean-

Alex: -notices Itachi closing in on Sasuke- You Gay-ass!!! How many times have I told you? No raping until AFTER the camera's stop rolling.

Itachi: Awwwwww

Sasuke: Whew! Can you untie me now?

Alex: I have a gay rapist who wants you, and I'm not afraid to use him.

Sasuke: -sweat drops- heh heh heh, I mean, Look! Vault!

Rose: -breaks through ropes, grabs vault, and caress' it- Oh vault, how long I've waited for you, -strokes side-

Box of Chocolates and Coconut: What. The. Fuck.

Rose: -realizes they're watching- Damn! Can't you gay bastards leave a poor girl with her drink?

Box of Chocolates: Hey, we're not gay, we're bi.

Coconut: examines cuticles.

Box of Chocolates: -watches Coconut- Well, at least I am.

Rose: -Chugs can of Vault-

Alex: NOOOOOO!!!!!!! What the Fuck were you guys thinking????

Everyone else: What?

Alex: YOU IDIOTS!!! Do you realize what happens when Rose drinks Vault?

Box of Chocolates and Coconut: -reminisce- Shit, we're screwed.

Itachi: No worries, I'll handle this!!!

Everyone else: NO!

Itachi: -gets hurt look on his face-

Alex: -walks over to Itachi and pats him on the back- It's okay Itachi, you go eat some of the donuts back there that are supposed to be for the crew, okay?

Itachi: -face lights up- Donuts?

Alex: Yes...Donuts.

Itachi: YAHOO!!! -runs to the donuts and stands in front of them, looking back cautiously at the other members of the crew-

Alex: -Shudders- I don't want to know what he's gonna do.

Rose: -laughs uncontrollably- I know what he's going to do!!! He's gonna go and r-

Coconut: -Covers Rose's mouth-

Rose: mmhmhhhhmmhhhhmhihhmymhihihmh

Alex: -slaps her head and sighs- This is what happens when YOU GIVE A CRAZY PERSON VAULT!

Everyone else: oops.

Orochimaru: -walks in- who's crazy?

Alex: -screams- CREEPY SNAKE DUDE!!! EVERYONE RUN!!!

Orochimaru: Paranoid bitch.

Alex: Straight up Homo faggot

Orochimaru: Hey! -gets hurt look on his face-

Rose: Oro!!!

Orochimaru: Dammit! Every place I go, she's right there with me man!

Alex: She has that affect on people.

Orochimaru: Ahh. -notices Sasuke- SASUKE!

Sasuke: Fuck. Alex!!! Help!!!

Orochimaru: -giggles-

Alex: -stands in front of Orochimaru- Step off Homo.

Orochimaru: There are places for naughty little girls like you.

Everyone: -Twitches uncontrollably-

Alex: -Shudders-

Orochimaru: -snaps fingers and Itachi comes up-

Alex: Hey! I thought you didn't work for Oreo-man!

Itachi: Better pay. -winks and grins-

Alex: WHAT THE FUCK.

Orochimaru: -grins and points at Alex-

Itachi: -nods- Time for some crazy little bitch to relaaax

Alex: IF YOU TOUCH ONE FUCKING H-

Rose: -laughs at Coconut tickling her-

Alex: Rose!!! Help!!!

Rose: -stares blankly, and continues laughing-

Itachi: -reaches for Alex's arm-

Alex: -bitch slaps him across face-

Itachi: -grabs the arm that slapped him, and rubs his face with the other hand-

Sasuke: Wait, if Alex is leaving, that means...

Orochimaru: -purrs-

Sasuke: WHAT THE FUCK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SNAKE!

Orochimaru: Oh Sasuke, I can be MANY things.

Itachi: -begins dragging Alex away-

Alex: -on the ground- Help!!

Sakura: -poofs in- Stay away from my Sasuki-poo!

Everyone else: -Twitch twitch-

Alex: -sighs- WHY DOES NO ONE EVER HELP ME?

Box of Chocolates: It might have to do with you kidnapping us, tying us up, and then blindfolding us to tell us about something that's missing.

Coconut: By the way, what are you missing?

Alex: -stares blankly in reminiscence- You know, now that you mention it -heh heh-

Everyone else: YOU FORGOT?!

Alex: Well, so much other stuff was happening that i just-

Rose: -rolls on the ground laughing-

Alex: What?!

Rose: I remember what you lost!

Alex: You do?

Rose: Yeah! You're favorite pair of SOCKS!!!

Alex and Rose: -laugh uncontrollably-

Itachi: You know, I think this is better than what I was ordered to do. I was supposed to take Alex and r-

Box of Chocolates: STOP RIGHT THERE FAGGOT!

Itachi: -looks hurt-

Sasuke: Well, I guess that concludes the first episode of...wait, what is this show called again?

Everyone else: -shrugs-

Sasuke: That helps. So, that concludes the very first episode of The Show. Please Review!

Sakura: -closes in on Sasuke-

Sasuke: -still tied up in chair- Why Me?

End Of Show

* * *

**Authors Note: Ok, that's it, I hope you guys liked it! Oh, and I will include the 'reviews' on the show (they will seem like fan letters), so please review!**


	2. Out with the Old, in with the New

**Authors Note: For the love of G people, I DO NOT OWN NARUTO!!! however, I do own Alex, and everyone else, well screw them nah, jus kiddin. **

Beginning of Show

Backround: -Audience claps-

Alex: -sitting in a chair-

Everyone else: -surrounding Alex in other chairs-

Alex: Hello everyone and welcome to The Show, with your host...wait, do we have a host?

Coconut: -Jumps up and down- ooh ooh ooh!!! I know, I know!

Alex: -sighs- Who is the host Coconut?

Coconut: YOUR FACE! -falls to the ground laughing-

Rose: -doesn't even look up from her book- You fucking idiot.

Coconut: Hey!

Box of Chocolates: Correction, You fucking GAY idiot.

Everyone: -starts laughing-

Coconut: -sniffles- You're mean!!! -runs to Rose-

Rose: -gives him purple fuzzy cat ears- There there Coconut.

Coconut: Yay!

Everyone else: WHAT THE FUCK.

Coconut: What? They are my special fuzzy purple kitty ears.

Everyone but Rose and Coconut: -twitches-

Orochimaru: ooh! Can I have a snake costume?

Everyone else: NO!

Orochimaru: But I wanna costume too! It's not fair!!! -whines-

Itachi: Shush shush, if you be a good boy, I'll -whispers-

Orochimaru: -sighs- Okay, but it won't be the same without a cool snake costume!

Itachi: I know, I know.

Box of Chocolates: Whoever wants to let these two erm...get a room, raise your hands.

Everyone else: Raises hands -including Itachi and Orochimaru-

Alex: Brilliant idea except for the fact that you broke the lock to the door of a warehouse 250 yards high making us trapped in here, idiot.

Box of Chocolates: Well, you know we wouldn't be in here if you didn't KIDNAP US!!!

Alex: True.

Alex and Box of Chocolates: -get into heated discussion-

Rose: -Reads book-

Itachi: -Gives Orochimaru a massage-

Orochimaru: -sighs and moans-

Coconut: Flips through seventeen magazine.

Sasuke: -cloaking himself with a jutsu to hide from Sakura-

Sakura: -can tell exactly where Sasuke is, and creeps up towards him-

Alex and Box of Chocolates: -stop arguing and watch everyone-

Box of Chocolates: -snatches seventeen magazine away from Coconut for himself-

Coconut: uhh, you BITCH! -tackles Box of Chocolates-

Box of Chocolates: -wrestles with Coconut-

Coconut: -giggles-

Alex: Okay, am I the ONLY one who thinks that Coconut is enjoying this a little too much?

Silence

Alex: Hello? -notices Rose- Hey Rose, don't you think Coconut is enjoying his little wrestling a little bit too much?

Rose: Yes, we all know your obsessed with Tom Welling.

Alex: Huh?

Rose: -absorbed in book-

Alex: -gets that she is not listening- What are you reading anyway?

Rose: N-n-nothing, I'm not doing anything wrong at all, why do you always assume that huh? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

Alex: -scared look- Okay Rose, I'm only going to say this once, GIVE ME THE VAULT!

Rose: Oh, no vault this time, hehehehe.

Alex: Oh jeez. -snatches book away from Rose and starts flipping through it-

Rose: Nooooo!

Alex: -gets twisted look on her face- Okay, I understand that you are crazy Rose, but seriously, stealing Kakashi's book? That's just low.

Rose: I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR! It was my...my...COUSIN! Yeah that's it, remember my evil cousin? Huh? Huh?

Alex: -sighs- What were you doing with his latest copy of Icha-Icha Paradise anyhow? It is usually directed at a men's audience.

Rose: Well, now that you mention it, -drags foot across carpet-

Alex: -face goes pale- DON'T TELL ME YOUR WRITING LEMONS, PLEASE.

Rose: -face brightens- Okay! I'm NOT writing Lemons!

Alex: For some reason, I don't believe you.

Rose: Well then that's your problem isn't it?

Alex: YOU ARE SICK IN THE HEAD MAN!

Rose: -grins- I know.

Everyone else: ...

Rose: Okay, Okay, I admit it, ya hear me? I ADMIT IT! But it's not MY fault I got hooked on Lemons as a result of Jir- ahem, I mean, as a result of my friend who shall not be named, heh heh heh.

Alex: JIRAIYA GAVE YOU A COPY OF THAT BOOK?!

Rose: An AUTHOGRAPHED copy of the book, but who said anything about Jiraiya? Huh? I didn't say anything about him, -gulps- I didn't I swear! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT DAMNIT!!!

Alex: You mentioned Jiraiya, idiot.

Box of Chocolates: -stops wrestling for a second- erm, is it time to give Rose her medicine yet Coconut?

Coconut: -looks at watch- Um, that depends on whether we start giving her meds... I mean, weren't we supposed to force the medicine down her throat since last year.

Box of Chocolates: -slaps head in frustration- were gonna get it now.

Alex: WHAT THE HELL DO I PAY YOU GUYS FOR? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ADMINISTER THE CRAZY LADY HER MEDS TO SAVE ME MONEY FROM SENDING HER INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION!

Everyone else: …

Box of Chocolates: told ya

Alex: -takes a Prozac with water- ahhh, that's better. Now, where was I?

Sasuke: Erm, Who needs the crazy medicine again?

Everyone besides Alex: -laughs-

Alex: Shut up emo dork!

Sasuke: JUST BECAUSE I HAVE DEEP EMOTIONAL ISSUES, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM CLASSIFIED WITH THE EMOTIONAL PEOPLE! -sniffs-

Coconut: There, there, -hands him a tissue-

Sasuke: -tear- Thank you. -sniff-

Alex: Oh brother -smacks head-

Itachi: Did someone say brother? Because when someone says brother, I think of my Sasuke, and when I think of my Sasuke I think about how I am going to-

Rose: -covers Itachi's mouth-

Itachi: mmhmmmmhmmmhhmhhmhmhmhmmhhmhhhmph

PING!

Alex: OOHH! FAN MAIL!!!

Orochimaru: -mail voice- We've got mail!

Alex: -twitch- don't do that.

Orochimaru: Do what? -smacks Alex's ass-

Alex: -Goes red- DUDE! THAT IS A PRIVATE AREA YOU JUST SMACKED! GET YOUR SNAKE HANDS OFF OF ME YOU URUSAI ERO TEME JYAMA!

Sasuke: I have no idea what you just said but it sounded sexy.

Orochimaru: -giggles-

Everyone besides girls: -nods heads in agreement-

Alex: Why am I cursed with such perverted idiots?!

Box of Chocolates: Just lucky I guess...

Everyone besides Alex: -laughs-

Alex: -sinks head in hands-

Rose: Oooh! Aaaah!

Alex: -looks at Rose- I don't even want to know.

Rose: Sure ya do!

Alex: -goes pale- No, I don't.

Rose: Of course ya do! -drags Alex to the book-

Alex: -mouths the words help me-

Box of Chocolates: I think we're forgetting about the fan mail.

Alex & Rose: -take detour to the computer to read the fan mail- -start laughing hysterically over it-

Everyone else: uhhhh...

Alex: What? We're not reading anything disturbingly funny at all, nope not us, you got the wrong people, WHY DO YOU STARE SO? I mean, heh heh, go about your business, we are in the process of doing...erm...important shit.

Everyone else: -crowds around the computer to read it.-

Alex: -sighs- fine, I'll read it aloud, this is from RedEyed Wolf-2nd:

_lolz. Poor Sasuke, he's getting raped by Itachi and Sakura. I wanna turn!_

Alex: -laughs- well, I can't promise you anything, but...heh heh heh.

Sasuke: So, you wanna be raped or be the rapee?

Itachi & Orochimaru: -starts laughing hysterically-

Sasuke: What?

Itachi & Orochimaru: YOU SAID RAPEE!

Sasuke: -sighs- I cannot believe our whole clan died because of this idiot.

Itachi: Hey!

Sasuke: What are you gonna cry now? Ya pansy-ass!

Itachi: -steps closer to Sasuke- (he has a foot on him) Oh Sasuke, you have NO idea what I am capable of.

Sasuke: Why does that make me feel scared and loved too much?

Itachi: -giggles- because that's exactly what it is.

Sasuke: Oh god, oh god.

Itachi: grabs Sasuke by the arms and passionately kisses him.

Sasuke: mmhmmmm!!! -starts flailing legs to get away from Itachi-

Coconut and Box of Chocolates: -hold hands- Awww! Isn't that cute?

Alex: -grabs rubbish can and "passionately" tosses her cookies-

Orochimaru: hmph! We're done Itachi! -poofs out of building-

Rose: -takes Polaroid and sticks it in her scrapbook-

Alex: -Sneaks up behind Itachi and smacks him in the head with a textbook.-

Itachi: -Releases Sasuke to rub his head-

Sasuke: -gasps for breath-

Sasuke: you -gasps- fucking -pants- gay -gasps- perverted -pants- ASS!

Itachi: Thank you, I thought I did pretty well too.

Sasuke: -twitches-

Itachi: Hey, where did Orochimaru go?

Alex: He left you smart-ass, what did you think he was gonna do after he saw you sucking face with your brother?

Rose: -starts laughing uncontrollably- SUCKING FACE!

Itachi: Noooooooooo! Come back to me baby! Come baaaack!

Coconut: It's okay, there there.

Alex: What are you the guidance counselor or something Coconut?

Coconut: No, I just have feelings for everyone -quivering voice-

Box of Chocolates: It's okay.

Nick: -poofs in- It's sexy time!

-Audience claps-

Alex: NO, NO, IT CAN'T BE-

Nick: But it is, Tuesdays are sexy time!

Alex: No, not that, perv, I was talking about, NO, NO, IT CAN'T BE, NICK!

Nick: Oh! -takes a bow- by the way, I DIDN'T DO IT!

Everyone else: -laughs-

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: -sneaks up by Rose and whispers in her ear- Boobies.

Rose: YOU SICK BASTARD! -tries to wack him on the head, but he is too fast for her.

Alex: -sighs-

Coconut: -giggles- he's cute.

Box of Chocolates: Uhh! Excuse Me?!

Coconut: -realizes Box of Chocolates- I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it.

Box of Chocolates: -sniffles-

Alex: -grabs trashcan and pukes-

Nick: -watches Box of Chocolates and Coconut's conversation- Sorry man, I don't roll like that.

Coconut: So, how do you roll? On top? Or on bottom?

Alex: -picks up the trashcan and pukes again-

Everyone else: -twitches uncontrollably-

Nick: Hey Alex, do you know what it looks like to french kiss?

Alex: No...

Nick: Like this: -sticks his tongue out and starts waving it around-

Alex: -falls to the ground laughing-

Rose: Uhh, what the fuck?

PING!

Box of Chocolates: WE'VE GOT MAIL!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE'VE GOT MAAIL! WE'VE GOT MA-AIL! WE'VE GOT-

Alex: BOX OF CHOCOLATES! WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST FIVE TIMES!

Box of Chocolates: Oh, hehehe, my bad.

Coconut: What's up with Alex? -winks-

Nick: She's just freaking out 'cuz I sent her flowers.

Coconut & Nick: -laugh-

Alex: Okay, here it goes:

_Hi Cherry-chan,  
You know, alot of these overall themes look familiar... I wonder where you got them FROM... Anyway, I have questions!_

Orochimaru: OMG you're so smmeexxy! I love you! Will you marry me? And then let Kabuto be our slave?

Itachi: Eh? no questions for you... but I've got sweets for you! How do you make your hair wavy in the wind like that? 'tis so smexy!

Sasuke: Who's better -wink- Naruto, Itachi, Orochimaru, or Kabuto? And are you always the uke because your name is sasUKE?  


_Well, I think that's all the questions I have for you at the moment... Have fun - winkwink-,  
Rose_

Everyone except Rose: -stare at Rose-

Alex: Why the fuck would you send mail on a show you are on?

Rose: Because I love you all so much?

Alex: Nah, that's not it.

Rose: -shrugs shoulders-

Orochimaru: -poofs in and ignores Itachi- I am only here to answer the question, and not to talk to SOMEONE that is a manwhore.

Nick: dude, I wouldn't talk to you, I don't even know you, besides, your way creepy.

Orochimaru: -sighs- I meant the other manwhore, Itachi.

Nick: Oh, in that case, he's all yours to not talk to.

Orochimaru: thank you.

Alex: CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION?

Orochimaru: hmph, well, Rose, I know I'm smexxy. -flips hair- It comes with the territory you know? -grins and sits in chair and crosses legs- I would be absolutely thrilled to marry you, except for the fact that I am gay. Besides, you scare me.

Rose: Awwww.

Orochimaru: But on the matter of Kabuto, he can be our full time bitch.

Rose: Yay!

Everyone else: What the fuck.

Itachi: -grabs sweets and starts shoving them in his mouth- Well, I use this great haircare line, where, I don't wash my hair at all.

Everyone else: Ewww

Itachi: All I have to do to keep it wavy is to eat lots and lots and lots of-

Alex: Stop right there! We don't wanna hear about your gross habits!

Itachi: Awwww. Okay.

Sasuke: You're annoying Rose. I occasionally switch positions, but it has nothing to do with my name. Naruto, is of course, the best, but I like to keep it on the DL, but I think everyone knows about us since Naruto makes so many noises while we-

Alex: -twitches- JUST KILL ME NOW, PLEASE!

Rose: But we like to watch you suffer.

Alex: Thanks Rose.

Rose: No problem.

Nick: -stares at Rose as she walks into her room- (everyone has their own room)

Alex: -sees Nick watching Rose- Call the Make a Wish foundation If you wanna so bad.

Nick -grins-

Sasuke: Well, that concludes another episode of The Show. See ya next time!

Everyone else: -waves goodbye-

End of Show

quotes from the tv show House. Which I do not own.

**Authors Note: Well, that's it, hope ya liked it! Please review!!! all reviews are appreciated!!!**


	3. New Rules, New People

**Authors Note: Due to sudden epiphany of inspiration, Alex and I have decided to update The Show, which will receive a new name to since the first one sucks. Enjoy! .**

Background: -Audience claps-

Rose: WHY DO I KEEP HEARING PEOPLE CLAP? NO ONE IS CLAPPING DAMNIT!

Alex: Wow, one thing I never thought I'd see was Rose crack under pressure.

Itachi: True dat.

Rose: I AM NOT CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE! THERE IS NO PRESSURE TO CRACK UNDER!

Sasuke: Right, just keep telling yourself that dobe.

Alex: All right, listen up everybody, due to the new rules of this fic, no one has their own room anymore-

Rose: What? And why not?

Orochimaru: This is bull shit if I must say so myself.

Coconut: Good thing nobody cares what you say so yourself.

Orochimaru: -grits teeth- You little arrogant bitch.

Coconut: But enough about you, let's talk about me!

Orochimaru: Ho.

Box of Chocolates: FO SHO!

Alex: CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE?

Itachi: Sure, no need to raise your voice though you un-experienced pessimistic virgin.

Alex: Hey! I'll let that one go since I really need to deliver this news. So, due to my creator, who shall not be named, we will all be sharing one bed.

Itachi: Sounds good to me!

Rose: Perv.

Itachi: But I'm such a sexy perv!

Rose: -sigh- too true.

Itachi: See?

Alex: AHEM! And, furthermore, no one is able to 'poof' in and out of this room anymore. You are MINE BITCHES!

Rose: Well, shit.

Orochimaru: So I guess this means I'm gonna have to cancel my 3:00 appointment then huh?

Alex: You guessed right.

Orochimaru: Damn it!

Sasuke: Even though we have to be in the same room, can I still file my restraining order against my brother?

Itachi: Is this about last night? I already told you I didn't mean to hurt you. Jeez, we're brothers, suck it up pussy.

Sasuke: This is not about you, okay? This is about me and my intense fear of my brother raping me!

Itachi: pussy. Never willing to try anything new.

Sasuke: IT'S INCEST!

Itachi: Exactly. Pussy.

Alex: -paces back and forth mumbling- We're never gonna make it, we're never gonna make it.

Box of Chocolates: Hey! What happened to Sakura and Nick?

Alex: My creator, who shall not be named, kicked their asses out. We didn't need anymore stalkers or pervs in here.

Box of Chocolates: Yeah, cuz we got all those in stock, -notions to Itachi and Orochimaru-

Alex: However, I have been informed by my creator, who shall still not be named, we will be receiving another guest within our prison.

Rose: Guest? Seems to me like he's the latest victim.

Alex: How do you know it's a 'he'?

Rose: I don't, just guessing. Why, is it a 'she'?

Alex: -mutters- He could pass as one in my opinion.

-huge present wrapped in shiny silver paper with a big red bow on top gets dropped through thin air-

Coconut: Well, that's weird. That's definitely something you don't see everyday.

Alex: Which is exactly why this is MY WORLD BITCHES!

Coconut: -steps back- yeah, o-kay.

Itachi: Ooh! I've seen one of these before! -uses 'You've got mail monotone'- WE'VE GOT A HO!

Box of Chocolates: FO SHO!!

Alex: -smacks head- No, it's our 'mystery' guest.

Rose: -coughs- VICTIM.

Alex: Whatever. So, who wants to open it?

Rose/Oro/Ita/Box/Coco: OOH OOH, PICK ME, PICK ME!!

Alex: Uh-huh, yea that's not happening. So, the way we're gonna do this is every one is going to whisper their guess of who our mystery guest is-

Rose: -cough- VICTIM.

Alex: -and whoever is closest will be the one who gets to open the present.

Orochimaru: Well that's a fucking waste of time, let's open it NOW. Who's with me?

Everyone except Alex: MEMEMEMEMEMEME!!

Alex: Of course, if you don't listen to me, which I had a feeling you wouldn't, my creator-

Everyone: WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED-

Alex: -will unleash her bad ass powers on all of you.

Itachi: Ooh, kinky.

Alex: -sigh- In short, you'll all be screwed.

Itachi: EVEN MORE KINKY!

Alex: NO! Not in the sense that you will be SCREWED screwed, in the sense that you will be DOOMED screwed.

Coconut: Ahh, well, that's bad.

Box of Chocolates: Uh-huh.  
Alex: Right, so we do this my way, or Oro's way, who's with me?

Everyone: Aww man, this is bull.

Alex: Suck it up. Now, one at a time, tell me your guesses.

Itachi: I THINK IT'S KIMIMARO!

Alex: -sigh- Why do you think it's Kimimaro?

Itachi: Cuz he is the most WILDEST ho-ish person I can think of.

Everyone else: -gapes-

Orochimaru: -chuckles- even wilder and more ho-ish than Sasuke?

Sasuke: HEY! I am not a ho! Or wild!

Itachi: No, he's actually just really difficult. -sigh- It's so wrong that his defiance turns me on. -smiles- ph well!

Sasuke: -goes to whimper and sulk in a corner-

Alex: ANYWAY, who do you choose Oro?

Orochimaru: Well, I'm gonna have to go with Deidara.

Alex: Huh? Why?

Orochimaru: I LOVE his hands. And he could pass as a girl, and you said the person could pass for a girl.

Alex: Wow, resourceful Oro. Whaddabout you Rose?

Rose: Well, I can only DREAM of one person being here, but that's not likely, the person I choose is Haku!

Alex: That's self explanatory.

Itachi and Oro: -palm smack- Why didn't I think of that!

Alex: Well, since I have heard all of the guesses-

Box of Chocolates: Hey! What about me!

Coconut: And me!

Alex: You two were too busy making out and being all 'passionate' with each other, so, being the spiteful bitch that I am, I disqualify you.

Box of chocolates: -whines- Aww man!

Coconut: That's okay, I've already got a ho.

Box of chocolates: FO SHO! BYOTCH!!

Alex: Did he just say, 'Byotch'?

Coconut: It's a bi thing.

Alex: Right. So, after listening to everyone's guesses, I have to conclude that the winner is-

Itachi: HEY! Sasuke didn't go!

Alex: That's because I disregarded the little chicken-ass headed emo child.

Sasuke: Just leave me alone assholes!

Alex: So the winner is-

Everyone else: -leaning towards Alex in anticipation-

Alex: -NO ONE!

Everyone else: Huh?

Alex: Yeah, you were all WAY off, so, I decided that since none of you stepped it up, I'LL OPEN IT.

Coconut: That is so biased.

Alex: ehh, that's life. You wanna go cry about it? Go in the corner with Sasuke.

Coconut: You're mean!

Alex: Tough. -goes to unwrap the present-

Orochimaru: -whips his tongue out and wraps it around Alex's leg, making her trip-

Alex: Ouch. That REALLY hurt. Can you let go of my leg now?

Orochimaru: Thohhy, I huld, buh, I don whan to.

Itachi: -kneels by Alex- Do you even know who is in the box?

Alex: -shifty eyes- Of course I know!

Rose: For some reason, I don't believe her.

Itachi: Me neither.

Box of Chocolates: -walks up with a rope- I say we tie her up and MAKE her tell.

Itachi: Good thinking Box.

Coconut: That's my ho!

Box of Chocolates: FO SHO!

Alex: Where'd you get the rope from?

Box of Chocolates: It's one of the ropes you tied everyone in at the beginning of this whole thing.

Alex: Ahh.

Itachi: -picks squirming Alex up-

Alex: LET GO OF ME ASSHOLE!

Itachi: What are you gonna do? Get your creator and sick her on me?

Alex: Good idea. Hey, A- I mean, creator? A little help?

Itachi: Nice. Grovel to your master.

Alex: Oh, that is so cruel.

Rose: What?

Alex: My creator is so goddamn lazy to brainstorm, she wants to see how this whole tie-Alex-up-in-a-chair-and-make-her-tell thing plays out. Bitch.

Itachi: -chuckles- even better. -ties Alex up-

Coconut: What would be the best way to torture her?

Box of Chocolates: Poke her repeatedly until she goes nuts?

Alex: -snorts-

Orochimaru: Pluck all of her leg hairs off one by one until she spills?

Alex: I shaved.

Orochimaru: Damn.

Sasuke: -excited glow in his eyes- How 'bout we pluck her thumbs off with pliers and then skin her arm?

Everyone: -gapes-

Orochimaru: Holy shit Itachi, he really is your brother.

Coconut: Or just severely un-loved

Orochimaru: Yeah, that's probably it.

Alex: -gulps- You know, Sasuke, that might not be a very good idea

Rose: She's right, we need something better.

Alex: -wide eyed- WHAT?

Rose: Something that will for sure scar her for life.

Alex: Oh my god, you wouldn't.

Rose: I would. I propose that Itachi make out with her.

Alex: -screams- EWWWW!!

Rose: Wow, that had better results than I expected.

Alex: -whimpering- ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Rose: If I know Alex's creator like I think I do, then I'm pretty sure we hit the money with the make-out session thing.

Alex: Damn you creator for being such a weird person!

Voice: Better you than me.

Coconut: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Alex: That was just the creator, she is STILL getting amusement out of this.

Box of Chocolates: Haha, that's funny.

Alex: All this just for information on who's inside the box?

Itachi: Yup.

Alex: You're all a bunch of assholes.

Rose: Aww, we feel the exact same way about you! Now, if you don't want to comply with the make-out session, I could always give you a make-over.

Alex: -goes pale- NO, NO, NO! I'd rather get my thumbs plucked off.

Rose: Not a chance. Who agrees with make-out?

Everyone: -chants- MAKE-OUT! MAKE-OUT! MAKE-OUT!

Itachi: We better give the people what they want.

Alex: _We_ are going to un-tie Alex so she can un-lock the box.

Itachi: Unlock?

Alex: Yeah, you didn't think it would be THAT easy did you? I have the key safely tucked away somewhere.

Itachi: Oh yea? Well I guess that means I'm gonna have to search you.

Sasuke: DON'T LET HIM DO IT! GIVE HIM THE KEY, JUST GIVE HIM THE KEY!!

Alex: Whoa. What the fuck is wrong with you Sasuke?

Sasuke: Let's just say while on a family vacation, Itachi took me to the bathroom to make sure I wasn't packing any weapons. He checks EVERYWHERE. And I have never been the same since.

Alex: Oh. My. God. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME PEDOPHILE!!

Itachi: Oh, come on, I'm not that much older than you, you're what, ten? Eleven?

Rose: -chuckles-

Alex: -grits teeth- I'm fifteen.

Itachi: -looks up and down- Wow, you are severely un-developed for a fifteen year old teenager!

Alex: Gee, thanks? -turns head away-

Itachi: Severely un-developed in the bust-section especially.

Orochimaru: Hmm, you're right!

Alex: OH MY GOD. Are you staring at my-

Orochimaru: Boobs? Definitely. Or lack-there-of.

Alex: Asshole.

Itachi: So, I'm gonna have to search you now...unless you give us the key!

Alex: I'll give it to you when you un-tie me dick face.

Itachi: Ooh. Touchy. I don't think so. Just tell me where it is and I'll get it with as least touching as possible.

Alex: You liar.

Itachi: Can't blame a guy for trying, right? Now where is it?

Alex: -turns red- I can't tell you where it is...Trust me, you won't find it unless I tell you, so there's no need for searching.

Itachi: Oh my god. You hid the key in your-

Coconut: SHOE?

Itachi: -slaps Coconut upside the head- No, she hid it in her lack-there-of-breasts.

Alex: I'll get it for you if you untie me.

Itachi: No way! Now who's lying?

Alex: You really think I would rather lie to you and get felt up ANYWAY as opposed to just handing over the key--?

Orochimaru: with minor feeling up?

Alex: -glares- Just un-tie me asshole.

Itachi: Fiiiine.

Alex: -stands up- Now, in order for me to get the key, I need all of you to turn around.

Itachi: YEAH RIGHT. So you can run?

Alex: No, so I can get it with as least eyes staring as possible.

Itachi: Well, everyone will turn around but me. -smirks-Somebody's got to make sure you don't run away.

Alex: Fine, but I'm turning around so you'll only see my back.

Itachi: Life is so cruel.

Box of Chocolates: -chuckles-

All that can be heard is a series of odd sounds, something being un-raveled, and Itachi's jaw dropping.

When it was all finished, the gang turned around to find Alex with her arms crossed, the key hanging off of her baby finger, and a heap of ace bandages on the ground.

Orochimaru: What, your boobs are so small all you need is an ace bandage?

Alex: -grits teeth- You're hysterical.

Itachi: Come on Alex, give me the key.

Alex: -walks up next to him- take it.

Itachi: -smirks- No, I want you to give it to me.

Alex: You are truly a perverted dick wad. -puts her arms by her side and gives Itachi the key-

Orochimaru: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WILL YOU LOOK AT THE SIGHT OF THOSE!

Rose: -smacks head- Oro, you're starting to sound like Jiraiya.

Itachi: So, Alex. Why would you cover up those babies?

Alex: -goes red- Shut the fuck up.

Itachi: -innocently- What? I'm just curious.

Alex: So I wouldn't be treated like a piece of meat okay?

Orochimaru: Damn, that has to be one of the nicest racks I've EVER seen. No doubt.

Alex: I thought you guys were gay, and therefore, not turned on by boobs?

Orochimaru: Oh, we are, but all gay people have their indulgences and pleasures, right Itachi?

Itachi: -smirks- Uh huh.

Alex: Yeah, nice. Now if you'll excuse me assholes. -bends down to pick up the ace bandages-

Itachi: No way are you covering those up again! -snatches them before Alex and tears them into shreds-

Alex: -kneels down- NOOOOOOOO!!

Rose: It's okay. -pats shoulder-

Alex: -whimpers- Just go open you're fucking present already you dick wads!

Itachi: -unlocks present- Ooh, what a pretty box!

When the box was opened, a curtain appeared. Stitched on the curtain was the word 'Kabuto'

Itachi: See? I knew all we were getting was a ho.

Orochimaru: Hey Rose! We can have our bitch now!

Rose: Yay for mindless bitches!

Coconut: So pull the curtain already!!

Itachi: Okay, Okay. -pulls drawstring-

After the curtain was pulled away, there was Kiba, Naruto, and Hinata, all tied up to chairs with pieces of tape over their mouths. On each piece of tape, there was one word. The words spelled out 'Nice Try Fuckers!'

Coconut: I don't get it.

Rose: SQUEE!! KIBA!! -unties Kiba and hugs him.-

Kiba: mmphmmhmmhphmm.

Rose: What was that?

Kiba: MMMPHHMMHMMPHMMM!

Rose: What?

Box of Chocolates: -smacks head- You need to pull of the tape first Rose.

Rose: Oh! Okay! -yanks tape off-

Kiba: OUCH!

Rose: Oopsies! Sorry.

Kiba: Who the hell are you and where am I? Most importantly, WHERE IS AKAMARU?

Coconut: Hey, there's a note on your back, it says, 'Kiba, I couldn't subject to Animal Cruelty so I gave Akamaru to your sister until you get out of that hell-hole. -Kabuto'

Kiba: Oh, well as long as he's safe.

Coconut: I still don't get it.

Box of Chocolates: -palm smack- Coco, it means that Kabuto tricked these three into getting in the box so he would be off the hook. It's quite genius actually.

Kiba: Damn right! I'm gonna kill that dobe Naruto!

Naruto: -starting to wake- Ano...Where's the Ramen I ordered Ojiichan?

Kiba: Naruto! Baka! Look what you've got us into?

Naruto: Huh?

Kiba: Yea, when we were training, Naruto saw that Kabuto go inside this present thing, so, me and Hinata came to back him up. We thought there was nowhere for Kabuto to go in the box, and that we had him cornered. But it was a clone, and the real Kabuto came out from behind a tree and threw sleeping gas in the box. I guess that's when he tied us up and now we're here...

Naruto: Oh yea! Hey, hey, Kiba! Did we get him, huh? Ohh, Tsunade is going to be so happy!

Rose: Shouldn't you tell him?

Kiba: Nah, we'll let him freak out for a while.

Rose: Genius!

Orochimaru: -yawns- Hey, guys, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to sleep.

Itachi: I call the spot on the right!

Orochimaru: You got it!

And so, the gang went to sleep on the big, comfortable bed. And all was well until Itachi was taking advantage of his brother.

**Authors Note: Okay, So I don't own Naruto blah blah blah, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASSEEE review!**


	4. Dark Sides

**Authors Note: I am REALLY loving the love here guys! Keep it up! More inspiration in the form of Naruto characters getting abused. YAY! Special Thanks to Truth's Rose who has reviewed every chapter!! I do not own Naruto...blah blah blah. And now story time!**

Background: -Audience claps-

Rose: Okay. -deep breath- DOES ANYBODY ELSE HERE THE MYSTERIOUS CLAPPING? HUH? HUH?

Itachi: I think Rose has kicked the bucket.

Orochimaru: Oh, what a sad day indeed.

Itachi: Too bad, actually.

Rose: HELLO? I'M STILL HERE PEOPLE!!

Itachi: Oh will you look at that! Rose came back in ghost form! Now we can have an orgy!

Orochimaru: Yay for orgy's!!

Sasuke: -rocks back and forth- I'M NEVER GETTING OUT OF THIS NUTHOUSE SANE!

Itachi: Sorry Sasuke, you already lost your sanity.

Orochimaru: Not to mention your virginity.

Itachi: That was from me though, not you.

Orochimaru: -sigh- True.

Sasuke: -turns an unhealthy color and passes out-

Hinata: Ano...Is Sasuke-kun going to be alright?

Itachi: Yea, he usually does that after REALLY great sex.

Hinata: O.o

Orochimaru: But he didn't get laid today...

Itachi: WHOA! Didn't know little Sasuke had it in him man.

Kiba: What the hell are you two idiots talking about?

Itachi: Come on, if no one in here screwed him, then there's only one logical explanation...

Orochimaru: -gasps- NARUTO BECAME INVISIBLE AND SCREWED HIM?!

Naruto: WHAT?! TEME!

Orochimaru: No need to get defensive, Naruto. Everybody needs to get a piece of Sasuke once in a while.

Itachi: -sigh- actually, I was referring to him masturbating.

Alex: -walks through a pop-up door- Okay, okay, let's calm down. You! -points to Sasuke- Stop doing nasty things to yourself.

Sasuke: -nods and curls in fetal position-

Alex: Don't think that you can hide your fantasies in the fetal position Sasuke, sit up or I chain you to the wall.

Itachi: PLEASE!!

Sasuke: -grudgingly sits up-

Alex: Good, now, YOU TWO! -points to Orochimaru and Itachi- STOP MAKING DIRTY COMMENTS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SECOND.

Itachi and Orochimaru: -nod-

Kiba: Are you going to take that from a GIRL? Orochimaru is one of the legendary Sannin, and Itachi is in freaking Akatsuki for Pete's sake!

Sasuke: -mutters- Damn Akatsuki to the lowest pit in hell.

Orochimaru: -under his breath- ooh Kiba, you are in trouuuublleeee!

Alex: -turns to Kiba- Alright Kiba. -smiles angelically- I'll tell you what. -smile disappears into a snarl and she grabs Kiba by the collar and raises him against the wall- You EVER talk to me like I'm a piece of fucking meat and that I'm worthless again? I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING DICK OFF. -smiles angelically and puts Kiba down- Are we clear?

Kiba: -gulps- Um. I think we're good.

Alex: -yells- I SAID ARE WE CLEAR BOY?

Kiba: -whimpers- YES! CRYSTAL!

Alex: -smiles- Fantastic.

Everyone else: O.O

Itachi: -whistles- Dayum Alex. You're a bitch!

Orochimaru: Didn't think she had it in her.

Alex: -shrugs- It comes and goes.

Rose: Hey, where did the two lovers go?

Itachi and Orochimaru: Right here! -raise hands-

Rose: -sigh- I meant Box of Chocolates and Coconut.

Alex: Oh yea, they sent a postcard. -scanning over the postcard- Supposedly they're in Mexico eating coconut covered chocolates watching the sunset...oh god -gags- gross! And...um...doing their little fantasies.

Rose: Oh. Wow, that's explicit.

Alex: Well, Coconut did get awards for English.

Rose: True.

Orochimaru: -sighs- I wish we were in Mexico. -takes Itachi's hand-

Itachi: Yeah! Sasuke could even go with us!

Sasuke: No one's stopping you.

Orochimaru: Great let's go! -grabs Sasuke's hand and drags him to the pop-up door-

Sasuke: -horror-

Ita/Sasu/Oro: -walk through the pop-up door-

Orochimaru: -starry eyes- It's beautiful!

Sasuke: Baka. It's just a door.

Itachi: -wacks Sasuke up the head- Let him dream!

Sasuke: -recoils back to his corner-

Itachi: Emo!

Sasuke: FOR THE LAST TIME. I AM NOT EMOTIONAL. I JUST HAVE MAJOR ISSUES AS A RESULT FROM THE ONLY FAMILY I HAVE LEFT. -glares at Itachi- And if I'm emo, then you are a nail polish wearing, slutty, bad taste in clothes, ass-wipe PUSSY!

Itachi: -gasps-

Naruto: Holy shit. He's speechless.

Kiba: -puts a finger on Itachi- SZZZZZZZZ. Ouch. Gonna need some ice for that burn.

Naruto: -stifles a laugh-

Itachi: -tries using Mangekyou Sharingan on Kiba-

Alex: Psh. Come ON! Did you really think that I would let you use that shit in HERE?

Itachi: -whimpers- Yes.

Alex: Wow, you just get stupider by the minute.

Itachi: Nah-UH! -runs to Orochimaru and sulks-

Rose: Hey, do we have any fan mail?

Alex: Great idea, Rose, -checks computer- WE DO HAVE FANMAIL!

Naruto: Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

Sasuke: THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

Alex: -glares at Sasuke- Now, this next one comes from Rose...again.

Naruto: Like I said, Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

Alex: One more peep out of you, fox-boy, and I release the hounds on you.

Kiba: -rolls on the ground laughing-

Alex: What?

Kiba: RELEASE THE HOUNDS!! AND HE'S A FOX!! GENIUS!!

Alex: -sighs- ANYWAY, here it is:

_Strange..._

_You are a twisted soul...MOAR YAOI PLOX!_

_The illiteracy of that kills me._

_Love,_

_Nikk_

Itachi: Who do you think she was calling a 'twisted soul'?

Orochimaru: One can only guess. -cough-ALEX-cough-

Itachi: -snickers-

Alex: I heard that. But I'll let it slide. Rose, what exactly were you demanding?

Rose: Uhh...

Alex: You were high when you wrote this weren't you?

Rose: Psh...Nooooo...

Alex: -gives her a look-

Rose: Okay, maybe only a teensy-weensy bit.

Alex: -palm smack-

Sasuke: I didn't know she did that stuff. Happy belated 4/20 Rose. Cheers! -clinks pretend glass-

Hinata: 4/20?

Kiba: CLOSE YOUR EARS HINATA, YOUR PURE SOUL SHOULDN'T HEAR THAT STUFF!

Alex: No, Rose getting high is her totally gnarly combo of sniffing sharpies and chugging Vault for three hours straight. It's a pretty trippy ride. But how do you know about 4/20 Kiba?

Naruto: Better question, how does SASUKE know what 4/20 is?

Itachi: -cough-COZHE'SEMO-cough-

Sasuke: And your still an ass-wipe pussy that desperately wants in on my pants.

Itachi: -sticks tongue out-

Sasuke: -flips him the bird-

Kiba: -snickers-

Itachi: Kiba, I have methods other than Mangekyou Sharingan...and I know where Akamaru is.

Kiba: -whimpers-

Alex: ANYWAY... Can anyone make sense of this illiterate sentence?

Naruto: I think she wants more...YAOI?! Gross!

Itachi: Better give the people what they want!

Orochimaru: DAMN RIGHT! -sticks out snake tongue and licks Itachi from jaw to ear-

Rose: Can't you give me a little more, guys?

Itachi: Bitch, we're just getting started.

Rose: SQUEE!

Ita/Oro: -make out passionately-

Alex: -gets in between them and puts one hand on each of their chests- ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP YOU TWO, BREAK. IT. UP.

Itachi: -takes a breath- If you wanted in on it you could've just asked, Alex. -grabs Alex's face-

Alex: I swear, Itachi, if you don't get your ha-

Itachi: -forces Alex's mouth open and starts making out with her-

Alex: -flails arms and tries to pull away-

Itachi: -pushes her face forward-

Alex: -retreats backwards-

Itachi: -follows, not breaking the kiss-

Alex: -trips over bottle and falls back first on the infamous bed-

Itachi: -goes with her-

Everyone else: O.O

Naruto: Holy shit. Itachi is going to get his ass whipped!

Kiba: If he ever stops sucking face with Alex.

Naruto: -shrugs-

Rose: -glances at watch- This has to be the longest kiss EVER!

Everyone else: -nod in agreement-

Itachi: -gets off of bed-

Alex: -chest heaving-

Sasuke: Dawg, when she gets up, she's gonna be PISSED!

Itachi: Which is exactly why I made that kiss so long, so it would incapacitate her.

Kiba: GENIUS!

Itachi: -nods-

Hinata: Ano...Alex-san? -pokes-

Alex: -staring at ceiling, chest still heaving-

Hinata: -pulls out herb and puts it under Alex's nose-

Alex: -sits up suddenly- -growls- ITACHI.

Itachi: shit.

Alex: -walks up to Itachi and punches him with a force like Tsunade-

Itachi: -flies across the room, hits wall, slides down unconscious-

Alex: -sigh- much better.

Everyone else: O.O

Rose: Remind me never to get on your bad side.

Orochimaru: -walks up to Itachi- Itachi? -nudges foot against him- Itachi? -pokes-

Itachi: x.X

Sasuke: -hopeful- IS HE DEAD?

Orochimaru: No. Just out cold. Dayum Alex.

Alex: -shrugs-

Hinata: -looks over the fanmail- Ano. Alex-san, didn't you say that the fanmail was from Rose-san?

Alex: Yeah, I did. -rechecks- it is from Rose. Why does it say Nikk then?

Rose: Coz I changed my name.

Alex: ?

Rose: -dark voice- You will now refer to me as Nikk. Anybody with the balls to call me otherwise will get this very large branding stick shoved up their ass. -menacing look-

Alex: Don't forget to heat it up Ro- I mean Nikk, that will hurt like a bitch.

Rose: That's what I was planning on. -looks at the sky- AND YOU! -growls- Creator who I know the name of...If you continue to write this fic from here forth with my name as Rose, severe consequences will occur.

Voice: -laughs- Haven't changed one bit have you Rose?

Rose: -growls-

Voice: Oh fine then, Nikk.

Nikk: Thank you.

Everyone besides Rose-erm Nikk, and Alex: O.O

Kiba: Did you guys just hear a very menacing and dark voice?

Everyone: Uh-huh.

Kiba: Okay, just checking.

Voice: Alex, hurry up and do the other review...I wanna ride my bike.

Alex: -sigh- You are the saddest fifteen year old I have ever laid my eyes on.

Voice: Oh well.

Alex: Jeez. Why can't you get laid like any other fifteen year old?

Voice: ...

Alex: -screams-

Nikk: What?

Alex: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Voice: Then continue the show without the wise ass ness.

Nikk: Wise ass ness?

Voice: -growls-

Nikk: ON WITH THE SHOW!

Voice: -disappears-

Alex: -jumpy- Our...um...sorry...Our next review is from _okamiko-hopeless_

Nikk: Hey! Why wasn't my name italicized?

Alex: Coz you're not important enough.

Nikk: Hmph.

Alex: I gave you the new name didn't I?

Nikk: -sigh- I guess.

Alex: On with it then.

_lol this is really funny. Yay for itachi!! he's cute!! sasuke too xD orochimaru you snake freak, leave sasuke alone! Or you'll get attacked by kyuubi...or not xP ok, that's all hehe cool fic_

Naruto: Hmm. Too bad Itachi's passed out cold. Haha.

Sasuke: I am NOT cute.

Nikk: Sure you are, chicken head!

Sasuke: I am an individual teenager who is NOT cute.

Kiba: So in other words...Emo.

Sasuke: -glares-

Kiba: -shrugs- it's true.

Orochimaru: Hmph. Well, I think we get more severely impaired misunderstanding reviews by the second!

Alex: Aww. You're just salty coz she doesn't like you.

Orochimaru: -sniffs- I'm cute too!

Everyone else: YEAH RIGHT!

Orochimaru: -sulks- Besides, like kyuubi could kill me. I'm untouchable.

Naruto: -mutters- Modest aren't we?

Orochimaru: But of course.

Naruto: Kyuubi could so take you.

Orochimaru: Is that a challenge?

Kyuubi: -from Naruto's stomach- YOU BET YOUR PUSSY SNAKE ASS IT IS.

Orochimaru: O.O

Kyuubi: Foxes EAT snakes BYOTCH!

Kiba: Did he just say byotch?

Nikk: SHH!

Orochimaru: Since when? I could swallow you whole if I wanted to.

Kyuubi: LIKE HELL YOU COULD!

Naruto: Kyuubi. Stop kicking!

Kyuubi: Oh, don't pretend you don't like it.

Everyone else: O.O

Naruto: Jeez. So troublesome.

Kiba: Uh-oh. We got a 'Shikamaru' on our hands.

Shikamaru: Not funny Kiba.

Kiba: Shikamaru? How'd you get here?

Shikamaru: Magic.

Kiba: ?

Alex: Before ANOTHER fight breaks out, we'll cut it here. So, until next time folks! -waves-

Naruto: You know they can see right through that false pretense, right?

Alex: -Turns towards Naruto and snarls-

Naruto: -gulps-

**Authors Note: So. That's it! Hope you Enjoyed! Now, as a tribute to this fic, wouldn't you just LOVE to press that little button and submit a review, wouldn't ya?**

**-puppy eyes- PWEESE? And Thank you's!**


	5. Stereotypes

**Authors Note: HELLO PEOPLE!! I don't own Naruto…..blah blah blah…..I own Alex….blah blah blah….if you use her, you need permission….blah blah blah.  
**

**AND NOW FOR THE EXCITING PART! SO, we are EXPERIENCING DIFFERENT STEREOTYPES THIS CHAPTER!! Woot! Enjoy!**

**-Alex**

**Oh, and Naruto is the ONLY one without a clue! See if you can guess the stereotypes!**

* * *

Background: -Audience dressed as cowboys hoots and hollers-

Nikk: -Whew- NO CLAPPING!! YEEE DOGGY!!

Orochimaru: -tips cowboy hat at audience- I 'reckon these folks here are all a-waitin here for something.

Kiba: Dern tootin right! –spits at can- Now whadder you think they're here for?

Naruto: WHY DOES EVERYONE SOUND SO WEIRD?

Sasuke: Jee partner, I can't say that I know. –gasps and covers mouth with hand- WHAT IS THIS?

Orochimaru: Well Jee feller, no need to go a hollerin, we're right here!

Naruto: Ohmyramen.

Sasuke: ?

Naruto: Nevermind. WHERE'S ALEX.

Orochimaru: -sucks in his breath- Well, I reckon you don't wanna mess with the sheriff there cowboy.

Naruto and Sasuke: Huh?

Alex: -Busts through Saloon like doors that appear in the middle of the room with spurs on her boots, a gun in her belt, a cowboy hat, and pulling a tied up, out cold Itachi behind her-

Orochimaru: -takes hat off and bows- Well, howdy there sheriff.

Alex: -nods head- I'll take the usual, mug-a-beer.

Orochimaru: You got it!

Alex: -nods at Naruto and Sasuke- boys.

Naruto: Alex?

Nikk and Hinata: -singing on stage, suddenly stops to look at the spectacle-

Kiba: -rushing to give the beer to Alex, stops cold-

Alex: -fingers twitching over gun- Whaddid you call me? You yellerbelly!

Naruto: What are you TALKING about?!

Alex: It's SHERIFF to you. Don't MAKE me use my quirt on you boy!

Sasuke: -whispers to Kiba- Quirt?

Kiba: -whispers back- a very, VERY painful whip.

Sasuke: -winces- ouch.

Kiba: Dern tootin right!

Naruto: uhm. Quirt?

Alex: What? Know your terms boy! Or else you'll end up like THIS outlaw here –kicks tied up Itachi- This feller here was as stupid as could be, tried to steal a whole herd a cattle right in front of my nose. Well wouldn't you know, I lassoed him like a bad habit.

Naruto: I got almost NONE of that. And Itachi was out cold from when you punched him last chapter.

Orochimaru: -ducks behind Saloon bar-

Kiba: Uh-oh.

Sasuke: -looking intently-

Alex: -turns red with rage- Are you calling me a _liar_ BOY?!

Naruto: Yeah, that's the other, thing, I'm not a BOY, you're the same age as me!

Sasuke: 'Scuse me there, Sheriff?

Alex: Shoot.

Sasuke: My cousin here, don't know much about anything. Shoot, the feller can't tell a horse from an ass!

Everyone except Naruto: -starts laughing-

Naruto: I….I don't get it.

Alex: Can't say that I don't see that! –slaps knee in laughter- Err, you there! Waddy! I need something to wet my gullet!

Kiba: Right away Sheriff! –Hands her the beer-

Alex: -nods- Thanks, son.

Kiba: Sure thing, Sheriff.

Sasuke: Well, if you don't mind Sheriff, I'm gonna take my cousin here home before he starts to chew the cud with the cows!

Alex: -hoots with laughter- Sure thing, son, y'all take care now! Specially you –points to Naruto- Cud-boy!

Everyone except Naruto: -hoots with laughter-

Naruto: -walk out of 'Saloon' with Sasuke- What the hell was that Sasuke?!

Sasuke: That was me, saving your ass, 'Cud-boy'.

Naruto: -fumes-

Sasuke: It's obvious we can't count on anyone here for help on how to get out of this hell-hole, so we should just lay low for a while.

Naruto: And where the hell would that be? THIS IS ONE ROOM! What do you want to do? Hide in the corner at the other side of the room? Jeez. –sits against wall with Sasuke-

Alex: Great job guys, now, let's prep for the next stereotype!

Orochimaru: -giggles- This is fun!

Nikk: Yeah, Itachi still being knocked out is a nice touch-

Alex: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Kiba: Aww, I wanted to keep being a-

Alex: SHH! You'll ruin the stereotype for the readers!

Kiba: -sulks- Sorry.

Hinata: I hope Naruto-kun is okay.

Alex: We'll worry about that later, Next Stereotype! –snaps fingers and the whole room is turned into a pink scene-

Alex: Ugh. I can't say I exactly LIKE this stereotype –retches-

Rose: Yes, but that's because your WEIRD.

Alex: -shrugs- IN CHARACTER! HERE THEY COME!

Naruto and Sasuke: -walk into 'new scene' to investigate-

Sasuke: -twitches- It's _**pink.**_

Naruto: No shit Sherlock.

Sasuke: -glares-

Nikk: LIKE, hi there! Who are you?

Naruto: Umm. I'm-

Nikk: EW! Like, not you silly, I was talking to himm! –drools at Sasuke-

Sasuke: Err. I'm Todd.

Nikk: -breathes- Todd. What a nice name.

Orochimaru: LIKE, HELLO BRITTANY?! What do you think you're doing with my BOYFRIEND?!

Nikk: Boyfriend?! Oh please, Sally, everyone knows that you're just a stupid whore.

Orochimaru: UH! BITCH! –gets into a slapping fight with 'Brittany'-

Naruto: At least they're talking normally.

Sasuke: -gives a look- Not really.

Alex: -comes out of the bathroom decked in pink like the other girls- EHMAGAWD! I like, leave for ONE SECOND and you guys are like, fighting? Seriously!

Nikk and Orochimaru: -still slapping-

Alex: -flips hair- Ladies?

Nikk and Orochimaru: -still slapping-

Alex: -taps foot on the ground- Ladies!

Nikk and Orochimaru: -still slapping-

Alex: -slams bright pink, sharp nails on the table- LADIES!

Nikk and Orochimaru: -look down- Sorry.

Alex: Now, Come AWN! We still need to decide the theme for like, the dance!

Nikk and Orochimaru: -Squeal in excitement-

Orochimaru: EHMAGAWD! I GOT IT! Okay, we like, do a VALENTINE THEME! –claps hands excitedly-

Alex: -sighs- Sally, hun, that's why we HAD a Valentines DANCE, remember?

Orochimaru: -fingers a lock of hair- OH YEAH!

Nikk: -snickers-

Orochimaru: WhatEVER Brittany, I'm still hotter than you -snaps fingers- BYOTCH!--

Naruto: -aside with Sasuke- Did she just say, 'Byotch'?

Sasuke: Shh!

Nikk: --Ehmagawd! It's coz you take all those damn HOROMONES!

Orochimaru: -gasps- OH NO YOU DI'IN. –starts to take earrings off-

Naruto: I take that back, anyone who says 'Di'in' needs SERIOUS help.

Sasuke: Damn right, let's get OUT of here.

Naruto: I'm with you on that homes!

Sasuke: -turns- DON'T say that.

Naruto: -nods- We're never getting out of here are we?

Sasuke: Doesn't seem like it, no.

Naruto: -whimpers- You know, I ALMOST miss the old Orochimaru and Alex.

Sasuke: mmm.

Naruto: And now we'll never see them again!

Sasuke: Oh well.

Naruto: -whimpers-

Alex: Uhm. Boys?

Naruto: Hmm?

Alex: -goes back to normal- GOTCHA! –holds video camera up-

Naruto: Huh?

Alex: Well, we decided to go and trick you coz you are always so damn sinister and annoying.

Naruto: -whimpers- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Kiba: -appears with cowboy outfit on- Utter boredom?

Naruto: -fumes-

Kiba: Plus, me and Hinata still needed to get you back for getting us stuck in this hell-hole ANYWAY.

Naruto: Hinata? You were in on this too?

Hinata: -blushes- Well, yes.

Naruto: .

Hinata: Gomen.

Nikk: SO! Did you figure out the stereotypes?

Naruto: Stereotypes?

Alex: Yes…

Naruto: Um. I thought you guys just flipped your lid.

Alex: Naruto, you IDIOT! How can we utterly humiliate you without throwing a lesson in for your benefit?

Naruto: Gee. I don't know.

Alex: EXACTLY. This whole thing was to point out to you that stereotypes are utterly RIDICULOUS and therefore, are BANNED from this place.

Nikk: Except on Itachi, right? We can still call him a queer?

Kiba: And we can still call Sasuke Emo?

Sasuke: -glowers-

Alex: Okay, okay, forget I said ANYTHING.

Everyone else: -relieved-

Orochimaru: Coz, we wouldn't have any fun without making fun of other people!

Naruto: Damn right!

Alex: Including you Fox-boy, you should've seen your face!!

Naruto: -glares- I wasn't that freaked out.

Nikk: Yeah right! And Orochimaru's a GUY!

Orochimaru: Hey!

Nikk: -shrugs-

Alex: So, did you figure out the stereotypes?

Naruto: Umm. The first one was farmers, right?

Alex: -palmsmack- You truly ARE an idiot.

Naruto: -shrugs-

Alex: The first, was COWBOYS. Gosh!

Naruto: Well, SORRY!

Alex: You should be. And the second one….

Naruto: BLONDES!

Alex: -sigh- No. Valley Girls!

Naruto: Figures.

Alex: Now, who wants Cowboy beer?

Everyone else: I DO I DO!!

Alex: You know, it doesn't get any better than this. –chugs beer-

Nikk: You're not just saying that coz Itachi is still out cold from your punch are you?

Alex: -innocent- of course NOT!

Nikk: Sure, sure.

* * *

End of Show.

**Authors Note: Did you figure them out? Review me ideas if you want on what stereotypes you want to see!!**


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